Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I'm angry. So very angry.

Things were slow today at The Questionable Company, so I had a lot of time on my hands. Time to repeatedly check my cell phone to see if my mom had responded to a text message I'd sent TWO DAYS AGO. Then I sent her another one. Still no response. And she didn't respond to the email I sent on Sunday in which I gently explained to her how I heaped enough guilt on myself for going back to work and could she please not add to that guilt?

My email must have put a bee in her bonnet and if so, then I've got a hornet's nest in mine.

I have so many angry thoughts pinging around in my head, I can't decide where to start. First of all, this silent treatment of hers is not only childish, it's passive-aggressive. She used to pull this crap on me when I was a teen - she'd not speak to me if I'd done something that pissed her off. She'd be sweet to my brothers and totally ignore me. (For the record, she did this to any of us, not just me.) I couldn't stand to be shunned by my own mother, so she won. I ended up apologizing and begging forgiveness. And just like that, she'd be all better and start acknowledging me again.

Now I've already mentioned how absurdly unfair it is, being nagged and guilt-tripped when I've done the best I can do for my daughter, for my family and for my life. And meanwhile, she enables and rewards my brother's irresponsibility.

So she's pulling out her old trick, the big Silent Treatment. She's in for a surprise. I'm not sending her another text or email and I'm not calling her. And I guarantee, she's going to break the silence first. I have the best bargaining chip: her only grandchild. If she wants to know what's going on with her granddaughter, well, by God, she's going to f*cking stop this passive-aggressive bullsh*t and contact me.

I was on a slow simmer by the time I got home from work and the 90 degree temps didn't help. As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed numerous cars were parked in The Spider's driveway. She was having yet another pool party.

Last summer, she plied her way into my life on the hottest days, inviting me and my daughter over to her pool 3-4 times a week. You can imagine how wonderfully refreshing it is to soak in a sparkling cool swimming pool on hot days.

So, this summer, she's given an abundance of pool parties and it's almost as if she's going out of her way to flaunt it in my face. "Nyeah, nyeah, you're not invited into my pool.!" It's not the pool itself I care about. It's her whole attitude - how she used her pool as a way to lure me into a relationship to get something she wants from me. And this year, since she no longer "needs" me, she sees no need to invite me over to swim.

Not that I'd go. It's just the principle of the thing!

By the time my husband got home, I was pacing around, fuming, a thundercloud following me around. I told him that I was sick of women in my life who have attempted to emotionally manipulate me. My mom. The Spider. I asked my husband, "Have I ever tried to get what I want by being passive-aggressive or a manipulator? Am I like that?" He said no, definitely not.

Over ten years ago I briefly saw a therapist. During those visits, she seemed to be trying to make me place blame on my mother for some of my issues. I laugh now when I think how defensive I got, how I told her, "Don't you ask me about my mother - she did the best she could and I will not place any blame on her for how she raised me." ridiculously naive and ignorant I was back then.

My general practitioner gave me the name of a therapist. I'm leaning towards making an appointment and you can bet the first words out of my mouth are going to be, "Let's talk about the crap my mom pulls on me."


Jenica said...

You know what? Even if you're angry and depressed and upset, you're in a healthier place than it sounds like you were before -- you RECOGNIZE your behavior, your needs, and the behavior of others for what they are. So good for you!

Sally said...

Good point, Jenica! And thanks for keeping in touch. It's been a while since I popped over to your blog - I must do that and catch up with you.

Becky said...

We're in a similar boat right now in that my mom is also giving me the silent treatment and I have no idea why. Last I heard from her, she was inviting me and Ted out to see her for the Fall and now...nothing. Whatever. I'm just so tired of it that I think I'm more relieved to not have her talking to me than trying to keep up with her mind games and B.S.

Fi said...

You should so get yourself a pool! That'd show her!

Hope the therapy works out. But yeah, like you say, maybe it's time for a bit of reverse psychology. Give her the silent treatment, this might force her to realise how she behaves.

Jenica said...

Sally, drop me a line at jenicasedai at gmail, and I'll give you the new link. I've moved...

sallyrogers said...

All the best as you are going through this. I do believe that your silence is the best way to stop this behavior. I know it's easier said than done, though, too.

teahouse said...

You poor thing. Sigh. I have issues with my mother as well. Ever watched The Sopranos? Now there's a crazy mother..she tried to whack her own son. But watching the show has strangely shed a lot of light onto my own relationship with my mother.

sue said...

Isn't it amazing how manipulative our mothers can be? The people who are supposed to love us unconditionally and be supportive and all the "good stuff"?

Sounds to me like you have your ducks in a row... sorry you have to have a mom like that. I can so relate!