Whoops!

How did it get to be December 3 already? What happened to October and November?

Quick updates.
Work: Fantastic. Hints from my supervisor that I could be promoted again, soon.
House: Got new roof, new siding, new soffits/fascia, new patio door and new windows. Still waiting on new living room windows, new front and back door and gutters.
Girl Scouts: Fine. I've had moments where I'm ready to quit. One spoiled brat of a girl decided to quit our troop and join the popular, cool troop her best friend attends. Spoiled Brat's mom never bothered to let me know. I found out second-hand. I was five kinds of furious.
The Spider: I've had no contact and haven't seen her for weeks. I refer to her house as "The Devil's Den." No particular reason except it's fun to say.
Writing: Lots of creative urges and ideas, not enough time.
Weather:

Weekly update, late.

Last week another storm swept through the cities. I was working my late Thursday and when the tornado sirens went off, supervisors herded us into a center room which was open on both sides. Glass from the windows could easily have blown in on us, not to mention we were on the fourth floor. I would rather have gone to a lower level or at least into the bathrooms. Unfortunately the stairs also have windows along one side, so it would be dangerous to do even that. Twice the sirens went off and when that happens, we are to tell callers we are having an emergency weather situation and hang up, log off the phone and huddle together in the unsafe safe room. It was actually kind of fun since most of my last hour of work that night was spent chatting with coworkers instead of taking calls.

Meanwhile, at home, hail that looked like this fell (that's a quarter next to it.):


It didn't cause any damage, but it wouldn't matter if it had because we've already received an insurance check and estimate for repairs from our insurance company for an earlier storm.

We met with a contractor last week and discussed the work we need done: replace roof, siding, gutters, soffits and facia, windows and two doors. Also, I want to cover the support beams in front of our house with material much like guttering material so we'll have white columns rather than weathered rough wood beams, which look tacky. By the time all is said and done, the exterior will make our home look brand new.

At work, I swiftly fell into a groove and began feeling unchallenged. I emailed my supervisor to ask if there was anyway I could be promoted sooner than December (my eleven fellow trainees and I were promised we'd be promoted mid-December.) She said she'd check into it but she already knew plans were in the works to promote all of us as of this October! So only two months at this job and I'll be promoted into a more challenging position - with a pay raise, of course! I'm very pumped!

As for The Spider (aka The Dung Beetle), I have had no interaction with her and I hope to keep it that way as long as possible. My husband continues to wait with our daughter for the bus each morning. I've been seeing a counselor and explained the whole Spider situation to her, how it messed me up. She's been very supportive, offering helpful suggestions and we're working on improving my confidence away from the workplace (because for some reason, I am super confident at work with no self-esteem issues - what's with that??)

This weekend my husband will be at my parents house in Kansas - he's going to the Nascar race. My daughter and I are going to a farm that has a corn maze. I'm excited - I've never been through a corn maze.

That's the latest and I hope things continue to be smooth. I'm enjoying life so much more now.

Balance. Or lack thereof.

At first the transition to full-time working mom didn't seem so bad. Maybe it was because my husband was on vacation and managed the household, made dinner, etc.

Now school has begun and I find myself deeply entrenched in a juggling act.

As you can see, this blog is one ball I've dropped.

I'm happy to be working, to be occupied, to be useful. Making money. However I sometimes feel as if I'm inches from failing at something. I suppose this is an issue for every working mom.

On the first day of school, I waited for the school bus with my daughter at the end of our driveway. Traditionally, The Spider and her family are in their driveway, as well, and friendly greetings are exchanged. This time I chose to be chilly and did not even look over at The Spider or acknowledge her. Later that day when I returned home from work, I discovered The Spider had sent me a hateful email lambasting me for my behavior. My friend Gail suggested I not respond. Gail is a pretty good judge of character (never liked The Spider) and explained that The Spider is seeking a response, any response, that will link us together again. Gail said The Spider is behaving like a jilted lover, disturbingly like Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction." ("I won't be ignored!")

Last year, all those months I worked with The Spider, going to her house to write - those wrecked me. I grew depressed. I gained weight. I neglected housework. I woke up exhausted each morning and needed frequent naps. Since severing my relationship with her, I wake up rested, happy. I've lost weight and had to buy new clothes. I have energy to work full-time and take care of things. The email she sent - her remarks - I felt that darkness, that depression creeping back. She's so oppressive. I must stand my ground. My daughter wrote me a little note that said, "Just say NO!" She gets it.

Today's bounty

I picked these this morning:

Father and daughter.

I took this in May. I've been tweaking it so I can frame it and give it as a gift to my mother-in-law. It's a very special photo.

Return

Like all aspects of life, blogging, or the desire to blog, is cyclical. Since mid-December, I suffered from depression which grew alarmingly intense as the days and weeks passed. Fortunately, I have some good friends, locally and online, who encouraged me to end a toxic relationship and to get medical help.

I'm better. So much better. I'm happy, I'm free and, finally, I have a job.

The day before my 41st birthday, I ended my writing partnership with my neighbor, C. After that date, as the days passed, the fog in my brain lifted. It became easier to get out of bed in the morning. Sunny, warm days were blessings again. I planted a garden which thrived and is now starting to bear vegetables. (I love my garden and I think its growth and abundance symbolize my life at this point.)

I've also started taking an anti-depressant, which I don't think I'll need always, now that C. is out of my life and I'm embarking on a new career. It's just a security net until things stabilize and my anxiety lessens. (After all, I still have to go through training and becoming accustomed to full-time employment for the first time in 7 1/2 years!)

One of the biggest challenges I've ever faced was terminating the collaboration with C. Even as I spoke with her on the phone and listed my reasons for wanting out, she tried to manipulate me into continuing to write with her. I told her:

I don't have time for my own writing. I am looking for employment. I've been stressed lately and can't focus. I'm not really interested in writing children's books. I write best alone. I don't think I'm an asset to the partnership (notice I didn't blame her in any way. I was very tactful, very, "It's not you, it's me.")

Though she had no idea this break-up was coming, she was prepared to tackle each excuse I offered. She was adamant that we write together on something. Anything. She was willing to sacrifice the 11 months of work on the children's book and even write romantic comedy, even though it isn't really "her thing." And when I told her I was looking for a job, she said, "Are you going to apply at McDonald's?" and then chuckled at her joke. I was insulted.

But I kept the phone call cordial and after thirty minutes of hashing it out, I was finally free. Immediately she pounded out an email to me, which re-stated everything she'd said on the phone. Except she said she'd probably continue writing the book we'd been working on and finish it.

I didn't respond to the email and didn't tell her, "You're more than welcome to finish that piece of crap." That book was pure garbage with not even a glimmer of my style, my writing or my inspiration in it.

She hasn't spoken to me since and my friend, Gail, who leads our writer's group, carefully extracted C. from the group, as well, bless her heart! I couldn't apologize enough to Gail for ever bringing C. to group in the first place. From the first meeting C. attended, she'd vigorously tried to change rules to fit her needs.

Gail and I spent hours dissecting C.'s personality. We've come to the simple conclusion that C. is a narcissistic, manipulative personality. Gail has nicknamed C. "The Spider."

Only after freeing myself from The Spider's web was I able to reflect on every conversation, every interaction with her and see her manipulation for what it was. It was easy for her because I was needy and lonely. I so desperately wanted a friend. The Spider intuitively targeted my needs, provided me with the companionship I wanted in order to satisfy her own desires - to suck the creative energy from someone else. Most of my depression stemmed from my toxic relationship with The Spider.

I've decided for the sanctity of my own mental health, I will not put myself in a situation where I'm ever alone with The Spider. If she invites me over (she's still licking her wounds, after nearly two months,) I will always have an excuse to bow out unless there will be a ton of other adults present.

The rest of my depression was caused by my unsuccessful job hunt (as well as our finances and the fact that I'd grown too comfortable being a stay-at-home mom.) I've never earned a college degree (making The Spider's "McDonald's" quip sting all the more painfully!) and the bulk of my work experience has been clerical/customer service in nature. And worse, my resume was a ragged patchwork of jobs, depicting an unstable work history because of relocating and staying home with my daughter.

I kept track of my job hunt: I applied for over fifty positions. I was only asked to interview for about 8 jobs. I only received about 10 rejection letters. The rest never bothered to contact me. My morale plummeted but I kept a firm grip on my determination. I never gave up.

Earlier this month I accepted a part-time position in a call-center for a very questionable company. To this day I still have many reservations about this particular company, which utilizes multi-level marketing to distribute their non-FDA-approved products. Luckily I'm not in the multi-level aspect of it. I just answer calls, take product orders. Very repetitive stuff. Also, the place is a fire-trap, a maze of dingy cubicles, tightly packed with equipment and employees. I feel fortunate that my cubicle is a straight, easy jog from one of the few available exits! So, I continued to search for The Perfect Job. One that would ease our financial burdens and allow us to remodel our home, to finally begin saving money for our daughter's college and to save for our retirement.

Then, two weeks ago, a major company in this area advertised a job fair for positions located in their headquarters. I attended the fair, interviewed and quickly made it to second-round interviews. I found out yesterday that I got the job, with a salary higher than they initially advertised and with the promise of rapid advancement over the next couple years. I start on August 6.

The facilities where I'll work are awesome - newly built in 2002, they have their own parking garage, Starbucks, cafeteria, a cafe, a convenience store (with dry cleaning, mailing and printing services) and the grounds are magnificent, with a reflecting pond and numerous areas for employees to sit, think and relax, indoors and outside. I'll have my own LARGE cubicle, complete with several easy-access fire exits.

I guess I could look at it like this: This job was the reason I wasn't hired elsewhere (not counting the Questionable Company, where I'll resign at the end of July.)

I'm back but I can't promise that I'll post regularly. I just wanted to share with you my recent good news, my improved mental health and my happiness. I've missed you!